Hi Netbeast,
Sorry to hear about all your problems. I have a Phantom 2 (bought just a few months ago) and there was quite a learning curve for me.
Forgive me if I am asking about things you have done - probably more than once! And I am sure you have read the manual, viewed some youtube videos, and got a lot of ideas here. I hope I am not wasting your time.
Do you have it in Phantom or NAZA mode? Your light patterns will be different for the different modes. Why is that important? You will want to make sure you have a good GPS lock and it knows where home is. So stay in Phantom Mode while you figure out what may be wrong.
You did a bunch of stuff ..... but I am gonna say lets start over and do in a given order. Yes you have done these, but lets isolate/eliminate the variables.
1. go into the controller assistant (RC) and callibrate your controller.
2. go into Phantom assistant. You have to have created an account with DJI as going into the Assistant your hookup will link to DJI and if there is an update to firmware it will let you know. Then:
a. make sure it is in Phantom mode - upper right of Assistant screen button says Phantom. If not, it will say NAZA. Go back into Phantom by clicking that button.
b. in the VIEW screen, run the sticks of your controller and make sure the arrows move to the extremes and then rest in the middle (you are verifying the controller calibration), and look at the IOC window and make sure it says NONE
c. go into "tools" window and do the IMU calibration - Advanced. Do it on a LEVEL surface. Yep real level.
3. take it out and do your compass calibration
I am suspecting you have the controller on first, both switches up and the Phantom is flashing green lights on the rear legs and off the front legs. When you spool up the motors, the front legs will be flashing red. At this point you are ready to go. Try it.
Thats all for starters. But sometimes doing stuff in a given order may help eliminate variables. Best of luck and come back and let us know how it went. There are others who know a whole lot more about things when they go wrong than I do; I am just getting you to that point cleanly. And if there is any luck at all, you solved your problem by doing the above stuff.