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jokes and funnies

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by robsquad, Feb 7, 2015.

  1. robsquad

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    just to keep us sane from all the doom a gloom of updates, de-updates, fails, crashes, autopsy's,
    post up your jokes up here

    an old one but dam funny and so true

    TOOL DEFINITIONS:

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands, so that it smacks you in the chest
    and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly- painted part
    which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
    hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
    ''What the...??''

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    blood-blisters.


    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool used to convert minor touch-up
    jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle.. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
    of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire. Also, handy for igniting the grease inside
    the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    ,trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
    off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
    possible future use.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
    cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
    the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
    outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
    opposite the handle.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
    and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
    your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
    Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non- removable screws.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also to open the end of a
    finger or thumb (blowout) thereby causing a lot of blood cleanup on
    walls, floors, etc.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
    on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
    collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
    Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
    while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
    often, the next tool that you will need.

    Do you know any more?
     
  2. mad in nc

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    Here's your English Lesson for the day!

    "Complete" or "Finished"?
    No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

    The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

    Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”

    His answer received a five minute standing ovation.



    Hillbilly honeymoon
    This ol' hillbilly decides to get married. He's been saving for years for a big honeymoon, so he takes his bride to the big city. Going into a hotel, he's asks for their best room.

    He's asked "Would you like the bridal, sir?"

    He's confused for a minute, then grins and says "Naw, ah reckon ah kin just grab a holt of her ears until ah git used to it."




    Men just don't listen....
    Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.

    Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

    "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

    When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

    The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

    To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

    See - Men just don't listen....




    Bob and the Blonde
    Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
    The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
    Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
    Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
    The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
    Bob took the money.



    The Cowboy...
    A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the prairies without water.

    His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

    He opens it and out pops a genie.

    But this is no ordinary genie.

    She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.

    There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

    'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

    'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

    'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

    'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

    The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

    'OK! I wish I were along side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

    'My second wish is that I was rich ... beyond my wildest dreams.'

    ** *POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

    'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

    Better make it a good one!'

    After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

    'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

    ***POOF***

    He was turned into a Tampon.

    Moral of The Story: If the Government Offers To Help You, You Can Bet There's Going To Be A String Attached!
     
  3. Happyflyer

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    Location:
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    The cat burglar is sneeking through the semi dark house. When entering another room he is shocked by a voice, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar is very startled and looks around. He sees nothing, no one around. He puts more items in his sack. The voice again, "Jesus is watching you." Still confused on where the voice is coming from he looks around. Stepping into another room the voice again, "Jesus is watching you." He then sees the parrot standing on his perch. The parrot says, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar walks over to the parrot and says, "So you are the one talking. What is your name." The parrot responds with, "Moses." The burglar says to the parrot, "Who in hell would name their parrot Moses?" The parrot answers, "The same people that named their 160 pound Rottweiler, Jesus."
     
  4. 750r

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    Jokes and funnies
    Obamacare :lol:
     
  5. IflyinWY

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    I know this isn't funny. BUTT For crying out loud, I live in Wyoming. It's usually twenty below and you's are usually laughing your butts off at us as we're trying to avoid frostbite, or worse. :(

    Butt me gonna say it anyway... :lol: :lol: :lol:

    I can find lots better to do than collect tons of jokes for the net.

    C'mon now, It's like I got the winning team and no one wants to cheer for me.
    Two weeks from now Ya'll will be settin at a lobster bake and I'll be living in an igloo.

    So, you should be happy for me.

    OR Maybe it'll be spring here and you will still be trying to figure out what to do with all the freaking snow... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    No, really
    I love this show
     
  6. Buckaye

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    There are so many funny things about this..

    It's funny how some people make every topic into a political statement hahahahahahaaa
    It's funny how we're one of the only first world countries who hasn't figured out how to keep our citizens healthy. Hahahahahahaaa heheheheeh
    It's funny how for as broken the system is... Nobody has come up with a solution. Hahahahahahaaa

    Yeah... A real hoot
     
  7. 750r

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    Yep I am one of the millions that have to pick up another job or just not pay some bills or eat to pay for this & have a huge deductible I love it :cry:
    Just a bigger tax for me :evil:
    Everything we do in life has some kind if politics behind it Control/greed
     
  8. IflyinWY

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    Every time I read the first few posts, I laugh like mad.

    Good job folks.

    Bob and the Blonde is my favorite today. :lol: :lol:
     
  9. GoodnNuff

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    The medics brought this poor young woman into our Emergency Department today - full lights and siren, ongoing CPR. We tried for quite some time to resuscitate her, but she was too far gone by the time she was found.
    Seems her roommate came home for lunch and found her friend face down in a bath tub full of milk, corn flakes, and sliced bananas. There were ligature marks around her neck indicating she was strangled. The police arrived and informed us that they are quite certain this is the work of a cereal killer...
    (Hospital humor is always a bit macabre).
     
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  10. Buckaye

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    Groannnnnnnnnnnnn ;)
     
  11. Buckaye

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    Two guys walk into a bar.... which is kinda funny... because you'd think the second guy would walk around it.
     
  12. kitari

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    The health service in this country is a disgrace. My doctor told me to run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost and 90 miles away from home. :p
     
  13. gunslinger

    gunslinger Moderator
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    I get no respect, I tell ya... NO respect.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
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  14. dirkclod

    dirkclod Moderator
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    Well if no one else is I will ! .........All Right I Get It !!! ;)
     

    Attached Files:

  15. gunslinger

    gunslinger Moderator
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    Man... I really miss Rodney... Think CaddyShack... :D :D :D

    -slinger
     
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  16. dirkclod

    dirkclod Moderator
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    Yep !! He had a million of em.